If Only
by Shining Sunny
Summary: If only. So much in two words. A series of oneshots of 'what if'. Diverges from canon. Major character deaths. Sadness ahead!
1. Chapter 1

After nearly five years of being a member of this site, I finally upload a story. Only have two chapters now. Will update again if I get inspire or one of you send me a request.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

One

His entire team is dead. Gone. He lost them all within a month.

He avenged them though. Hannah Lowell wouldn't see a day without bars. Not that she'll live long enough to see her sentence ends. And Ari died in the room where he was currently standing.

_Ari_. He growls, taking out his anger out on sanding the boat. He still felt rage building inside him whenever that name is brought up.

And why wouldn't it? That bastard is responsible for two of his agents' deaths. Memories on finding their charred bodies among the debris of the car flash through his mind. His gut churned with guilt that he carries since that day.

At least with Tony he had said his goodbyes when the doctors told him it was time.

Of course he didn't believe them at first, not even when Ducky tries to convince him otherwise. How could a disease take the life of his best agent? Tony was stronger than that. He was in denial until he saw that Tony couldn't even speak in fear of setting off another set of pain-wracking coughs. It was a painful way to go, lungs drowning for air.

If he hadn't died then, it wouldn't have mattered he told himself. Tony would have died with Kate and McGee in the blast from the car bomb.

_No._ He shook his head. If Tony had lived they wouldn't have died.

He doesn't know how he knew, but knows that it's true. If Tony had been there, Kate and McGee would still be alive.

He had been given a month off for compassionate leave. He spent most of that time with an inconsolable Abby who was still devastated by each of their deaths. He has eleven days left before returning to work.

Without his team.

Maybe he'll just retire.

He sighs and reaches for his bourbon. He has been drinking more and more often it seems.

God, how he misses them.

If only Tony had their sixes that day.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Two

It was the worst week of her life.

She sat listlessly on her couch as she stares at the television. It wasn't on, but she couldn't muster up the energy or care to do so.

She thought back the events it took place on that week. At least it was over. It ended with a funeral.

Somebody knocks at her door, the sound jerking her out of her state. She went and answers the door, not surprised on who she saw.

"Why are you here?" she said, skipping any formal pleasantries. They know each other too long to do that anyway.

"Aren't you going to let me in?" he retorts.

She sighs and let him in and shut the door behind them.

"I brought beer." He said as he set it down on her coffee table.

"You don't have to be here, I'm fine." She said, hoping to get him to leave.

"No you're not and I'm not letting you wallow in misery by yourself, especially when you have no alcohol to help with that."

"It's my fault." Finally saying the words that been running through her mind since _that_ day.

"Hey." He made eye contact with her. "There was nothing you could have done. If we could turn back time, I don't see how we would have done things differently."

"I should have made him stay behind. He was a target-"

"Gibbs would never stay behind while we risk our lives. You know that."

"Then I should have stabbed him whe-"

"No, you couldn't have." he cut her off.

"Then-"

"Stop it, Kate!" He shouts at her. "We did everything right! _Everything!_" He stops himself and covered his face with his hands. He took a deep breath before uncovering his face and turn back to her.

"It wasn't your fault."

"I should have- it was my job to protect him, Tony! I failed."

"No, you did save his life remember?" he refers to that moment when she took a bullet to the vest saving Gibbs' life.

"But he died anyway."

"You gave him a minute, Kate. And in that minute Gibbs had smiled at you and told you had done good. He goddamn _smiled!_ And you know he doesn't say or do anything unless he meant it."

He hugs her, which was really what she needed at that moment. They stayed that way for some time before she spoke up.

"Actually his last words were 'For once, DiNozzo's right'" she said in his chest.

"Yeah. I bet he's kicking himself in his grave. He wouldn't have said that if he knew those would be his last words."

She laughs which turns to sobs as she held on tighter.

If only they knew what would happen on that rooftop.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Three

It was supposed to be the happiest day of his life.

He knew things would get bad. That's why he rushed things so he could get back home sooner.

He didn't think that the danger would follow them.

He squeezed his eyes shut. He's at work now so he can't cry. _He would not cry._

The tears were gulped back and he went back to work hopefully getting his mind straight and not distracted yet again. It worked for a while. But before long, the same sadness clenched at his heart.

He died out of fear for his loved ones. He died alone.

Maybe if he was found sooner. Maybe if he hadn't gone with him.

Maybe. Maybe. _Maybe_.

He sighs thinking back to the look of his friends' faces once he arrived back home with one less traveler. They knew already by a courtesy of a phone call. They were angry and sad. Dearing took the life of one of their own. When the explosion occurred they were all so worried for each other. They didn't think to be worried for the ones that were supposed to have been safe.

Agent Gibbs and the director are currently hounding after him for the identity of the dead body lying on the autopsy table.

The dead body that may be his friend's killer.

He's not ready for this.

If only Dr. Mallard was with him now.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Four

McGeek

McGoo

There was so many McNicknames he could come up with. Would never get to use them all, though.

So easy to riled him up.

McGiggle

McKilljoy

He didn't cry. Why would he? He didn't know him very well. Only knew him for less than a year. Abby cried though. She cried a lot. Must have really liked him.

Wished he had known him better.

McPanic

McRomeo

Took a bullet to the head. Probably saved their lives. Letting them know there was a sniper. Letting them know that _Ari_ was there.

McNerd

McBarfbag

Some ninja chick invaded their lives. Took over _his_ desk. She wasn't tech savvy, but then again he didn't think he would want her to be. Kate and Abby are still cold to her. Must be a girl territory thing. Or they miss him too.

He wonders if he would ever grow out of that stuttering bumbling stage. Would ever be a true NCIS agent. Never will find out now.

McDead

Boss is calling. Another dead marine. Just another day at NCIS.

_Probie_

If only that bullet wasn't meant for him.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Five

Why was it always the girls?

There wasn't a day gone by that Shannon and Kelly didn't haunt him. Now he has two more to add to the list.

Memories of screams, blood, and pigtails flash in his head.

He'll have to talk to Tony once this is over. And McGee, but Tony comes first. McGee didn't witness the deaths of his friends. Didn't have their blood splatter on his face. Didn't have them die in his arms.

Would it made a difference if he wasn't getting coffee?

Goddamn he was tired of all this.

But he would not rest. Would not stop. Their killer is still out there. He might get away. And he might come back.

For another kill.

No more.

He'll get his revenge.

For Kate. For Abby.

No more.

Lost his wife. Lost all of his daughters.

He would not let Ari take another. He would not let another die.

_No more._

If only Ari hadn't come into their lives.


	6. Chapter 6

Too slow.

Too weak.

Too _late._

Literally slipped through their fingers. Through _his_ fingers.

No one blames him they say. He isn't sure if he believes them. If they are telling the truth then it still wouldn't matter. He still would blames himself.

And Tony would still be dead.

He didn't die honorably saving someone life or went out a blaze of glory like he always describes his preferred death scenario. It was a stupid sucky death and he would hate that, pointing out all it flaws like it was a movie if he were still around.

_Dangling from the concrete edge. Fingers digging into rough cement._

"_Probie, this is not how I want to die!"_

He was the closest to him, standing _right there._

He traded one death for another. Falling instead a victim of hit and run.

Hard to say what killed him, the skull fracture or the broken neck.

Tony always had his six. Always had everyone sixes. But the one time Tony was in need of rescue he failed.

He failed as a team member.

He failed as a NCIS agent.

And this doesn't help his fear of heights at all.

"_Probie!"_

If only he was faster.


	7. Chapter 7

Abby's words before dissolving in tears still ranged in his ears.

"_You mean… she was alive yesterday?!"_

Yesterday.

Alive.

Today.

Dead.

This time forever.

They had waited too long. Vance and some other higher ups wouldn't let any of Gibbs team to canvass the area, deeming them too biased. And rightly so.

That didn't stop them though.

When he received the news of her death he was lost for a while. Days blurred together until he put a stop to it. They have an obligation and nothing else matter until it was fulfilled.

It was practically a suicide mission. He doesn't care. And secretly hopes it will it'll end that way.

Because nothing else matter when it comes to her.

He had wanted vengeance. Wanted Ziva's killer dead. Wanted Ziva alive.

And she was.

But he didn't know about it until it was too late.

He taunted Saleem, hinted at how he was going to die. Saleem taunted at him right back, telling him all about Ziva's time in the same chair he was strapped to.

But he was wrong. Ziva died on the ship.

Didn't she?

Nothing made sense even after realizing the truth. He went real quiet, listening to the particulars of Ziva captivity.

Capture. Torture. Death.

She was ready to die.

And she made it happen.

Ziva's second death hurts far more than the first. Knowing he could have done something.

Knowing he could have saved her.

Missed her by one day.

"…_she was alive yesterday?!"_

He doesn't think he can come back from this.

If only she waited one more day.


End file.
